• Why am I getting married? What is the purpose?
  
• What will change after marriage (and it somethings always change)?
  
• Do I have a clear understanding of my partners flaws and do they know mine? Do we accept these things or do we hope they will one day change?
• What am I vowing and how serious am I about these vows? How serious is my partner?
  
• Is pride, distrust, or unforgiveness a potential unhelpful 3rd participant in our relationship?
  
• Can I give of myself to my partner without reservation, hesitation, or condition?
  
• Can I receive this from my partner in return?
  
• Is love demonstrated in our relationship as a verb or as a feeling?
  
• What are my beliefs on marriage? What are my beliefs on this marriage?
  
• What are my non-negotiables? Barring experiencing one of those, will we entertain divorce as an option or solution to a difficulty problem?
  
• Is there equity in both of our commitments to the health and status of our relationship?

I really do need a time out! There is so much going on in the world around us from covid to natural disasters, violence, racism, and more that it can all feel like just a little bit too much. If you are glued to the news or social media, it can feel like it's happening all the time and everywhere. Then on top of all of that is regular life "stuff" that keeps on happening! Can we catch a break or what?! It can be easy for anxiety to plant a nice little home inside our minds and bodies, and try to establish permanent residence! I don't know about you, but it feels like time for a reset.

While we can't necessarily change life around us or our past experiences, we can have some impact over our responses. This is in no way to belittle anxiety that just wont go away no matter what we try... and we try EVERYTHING it seems! Sometimes, therapy works alone, and other times it works in conjunction with medication. While I can't give you medication through this blog, I can talk about non-pharmacological approaches to anxiety! I can also encourage you to work with your provider to find the right and best treatment options for you!

Let's talk about what everyone knows---mindfulness! Do you know that mindfulness was being taught in most schools during covid? How awesome would it have been for those that are about 30 and older to be taught these techniques at younger ages. I almost envy younger generations who talk about mental health as casually as one might talk about a tooth ache. That is the goal. Mental health is about of the body and wellness in the same way that controlling blood sugars are. Back to mindfulness though, the more and the longer we practice it, the more it becomes almost second nature. Fortunately, in this area, I do not have to reinvent the wheel. Psychology today, and other places, have great articles on understanding mindfulness, practicing mindfulness and the benefits of mindfulness. Now you may be thinking, "but I just have soooo much to do! When will I have time to do mindfulness?" Or you may be thinking, "I've tried meditation before and it made me more anxious!" Listen, I hear you! It is not easy, and sometimes the stressors are not things we can easily remove or change. But mindfulness doesn't have to be a huge production. It can be five min micro practices throughout the day. Someone shared with me that they started doing stretches while watching tv. So instead of sitting on the couch being idle for hours, they would stretch. I personally take time every morning before my feet hit the floor to take some deep breaths and center myself for the day. I don't look at my phone right away. I don't watch the news. I just sort of "be". When driving, I put on music I like and sing along to wind down before I get home after a busy day. Little things. Those are micro-practices.

Now let's also talk about gratitude. Gratitude is not ignoring whats happening in front of us. It's not blinding stating positive thoughts in hopes that they become true. Instead think of it as acknowledging that in the midst of bad, there may also be some good..or, depending on where we are, less bad. Sometimes we have those days where the only thing we can think of is I'm safe and I have a place to live. Everything else is terrible. And while that may feel true, those first two things are huge! Not everyone has that. I don't know your situation and so my hope is that you aren't reading this thinking I don't even have those things. I hope that you can get connected to a social services agency that can provide you with tangible resources that offer you the basic securities we should all have in life. For those of us not in that situation, gratitude can shift our perspective from the mundane, everyday things we take for granted, and help us recognize the blessings in the small things that actually aren't that small at all.

I could literally go on and on, but I wont. Instead I'll end with focusing on anxious thoughts. This is a topic we will definitely continue later on, but, if I may briefly address this, sometimes out thoughts get the best of us. Earlier I said "everything else is terrible". While that may feel true, it likely isn't true. In psychology, there are concepts of maladaptive (or unhelpful) thought patterns called cognitive distortions. Now I absolutely HATE that phrase (and I don't like the word hate so know that I mean it when I use it!). It sounds so negative and blaming for something that is so natural for most people to do! The truth is, at some point, on a lesser scale, that way of thinking may have served us. However, overtime, these thought patterns are less than helpful. In fact, they can be hurtful not only to ourselves but to our relationships with friends, at work, with family, and with significant others. Sometimes, grounding or calming ourselves, practicing self-care, and practicing mindfulness is wonderful, but it's the thoughts that get us and can make it hard for those helpful things to actually be helpful. 

Plus-- sometimes its hard to quiet our minds, or, often times even more difficult, to be alone with our thoughts! For many people that can feel worse than sitting with the anxiety. But it doesn't have to be that way. Fret not! While this is a therapy blog, I'm not necessarily advertising our company for therapy. Having said that, therapy can help. It doesn't have to be with us (though I hope you have read or found something helpful here and want to know more about us). More importantly though, find someone you feel comfortable with, understands you, is licensed or under the supervision of someone licensed, and is helpful. Work with them on re-framing any "negative" or anxious thoughts. There are also some really good CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy) books and worksheets out there. Google is your friend. Some of them are even free. Key words to search for are cognitive re-framing worksheets or exercises, challenging negative thoughts, challenging anxious thoughts, etc. There are also online retailers and brick and mortar stores that sell self-help books for anxiety and that focus on CBT.

It's ok to experience anxiety. It doesn't mean something is wrong with us. Biologically, we need that feeling as it can also warn us of danger. However, we don't have to stay in that triggered state day in and out. It's ok to cut back from the news, social media, or whatever it is that may be worsening symptoms. Sometimes it comes from having a difficult time setting boundaries. That too is a whole other blog, but taking care of yourself can be a priority and it is not selfish to do so. Getting help is not a sign that you couldn't do it yourself. It's a sign of strength and it signals that you found someone who had a skill set to help you. We don't give ourselves root canals (hopefully) because going to the dentist means we couldn't handle the pain! We don't have to experience a mental health concern alone using the same logic. It's ok to take that 45 mins to 1 hr to take care of you. This helps you keep going and taking care of others!

Wow. I hope that you take five mins post reading this to just be. Center yourself. Take a deep breath. Put on a good song. Get up and dance. Go for a walk. Phone a friend. Journal. Video journal. Gratitude journal. Whatever it is that you need to do. If you are open to it, try getting support from a professional. And... Be Well!

Losing a loved one is one of life’s most difficult events to understand. The grief experience can be compounded when the loss is traumatic. While the grief process may look different to everyone, I want to discuss what some people experience, and how you can be supportive to those you know who are going through what is one of the hardest events of their life.

To be honest, most people feel uncomfortable by other people’s grief. We even have social expectations of “this and no more.” Meaning, people are allowed to grieve publicly for a certain amount of time before the rest of the world moves and starts to lose patience with the person for not “snapping back” within a certain timeframe.

This blog may help the person that has that framework of keeping to themselves to accept the challenge of extending a listening and compassionate ear. This blog also may be helpful for the individuals who want to help but often feel helpless to do so. And while this list is not comprehensive, it’s a starting point and the first thing I would say is:

Give them time- People may be comforted knowing there is no imposed time limit on grief. While there are some parameters mental health professionals like to set that separate what is considered a normal grieving experience from one that is not, generally speaking, there is no time limit. Everyone grieves differently. The first year is hard, but year 2+ is also hard. I have even heard some people say year 2 is the hardest because the individuals support network often go on with their lives and now the individual is adjusting to ongoing life without that loved one. Also, as time goes on, grief is compounded. Two realities in life is that we live, and we die. I’m not going morbid but just speaking the truth. Later years may be harder in their own way because we may be compounding multiple losses on one another. That’s ok. It’s life and without death we would not appreciate life and the time we have. It doesn’t make it any less hurtful and sad though.

Allow the person to grieve in their own way- Maybe you wouldn’t do “this” or “that” but they do. And unless they are hurting themselves or others, that is ok too. Allow the person to grieve the way they grieve without imposing your behavioral expectations on them. Some people may have a variety of reactions to grief ranging from behavioral reactions (e.g. aggressiveness, withdrawing/isolating, reckless behaviors, hyperactivity), cognitive reactions (e.g. poor concentration, exaggerating or over projecting their role in a persons passing, changes in self esteem), emotional reactions (e.g. self blame/guilt, feeling helpless/hopeless, feeling angry), and spiritual reactions (e.g. questioning/blaming their faith or faith in general). While all of these within themselves sound “bad”, they inherently are not. People have a range of emotions they use to cope and process, and it is all normal and healthy. Most of us have heard of the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. We like to think of them as linear, but I like to think of them as layered. It’s not that we experience denial, and then once we get over that we experience anger, and then we bargain, and so on. I think we can experience anyone of those things are any time, or at no time, and that is completely normal. We start to get concerned when the loss is impacting a person’s life negatively over an extended period of time in a way that is interrupting work, social relationships, engagement in activities the person would have previously found interesting, and so on.

Listen openly- This means don’t judge the emotions the person is discussing, AND don’t try to fix the problem unless the individual specifically asks you for advice—and even then, tread lightly. Try using open ended questions (meaning questions that do not require a simple yes or no answer). If appropriate, reminisce on the good times. Ask the person for their favorite or funniest memory. There is a time for this so feel out the direction the conversation is going before doing this. Also, simply ask the person what can I do? If they can’t identify anything, ask if you can just sit with them. If they say yes, do that. If they say no, that’s fine too. Also, it’s ok to be overwhelmed by someone’s emotions. Remember that you aren’t the person’s therapist. You are a friend/family/coworker/church member—aka you are someone trying to be supportive and help in the way that you can. I would say just to caution yourself as to how you share that. One way to express concern while lightening your own load is to encourage the person to seek help from a professional or a group. If you can, even offer to go for them the first time or offer to help them to find someone to talk too. This is true for therapists too. We have to especially guard our friendships and relationships from mimicking our therapeutic relationships.

Be aware of your non-supportive cues- This may be verbal or non-verbal. Talking too quickly, preaching/lecturing, using most cliché sentences, or rushing answers is probably good to avoid in general conversation, but definitely if your friend, family, or loved one is in the midst of sharing their loss with you. Also, be mindful of your non-verbal cues. I am notorious for making faces and it is something that I have to actively work on especially when in session. Sometimes my face says things I would never say with my mouth and sometimes it says exactly what I’m thinking, but probably shouldn’t say! I know this is true for many people and it’s always important to be aware of our body language (gestures, facial expressions, demeanor, and so on).

Know when to get help- We touched on this a little bit earlier, but this is VERY important. Unless you are a trained professional, and even then, there may be a time when you need to refer the person to someone else. Often times they can have access to mental health providers that specialize in grief and loss counseling through their insurances. Most hospice agencies offer grief counseling in groups even if the individual was not on hospice. If the loss was traumatic there are crime victim advocates in most states that provide groups based on county. You may be talking with someone and aren’t sure if it’s time to get help.

Some key things I look for are:

1. The individual’s quality of life being impacted for an extended period of time (e.g. trouble with work, isolation from others, etc).

2. The individual often expresses feeling hopeless or helpless

3. The individual has expressed thoughts of harming his/herself or someone else. If this is the case, you can call 911 in the case of an emergency or the national suicide prevention hotline at 988.

I know these situations in life are tough but, unfortunately, we all will experience it at some point in our life. We can just hope that someone takes the time be be compassionate and understanding to us during our time of need. If you have questions about anything in this blog, you can reach us on our contact page.

Communication is the foundation of all of our relationships, and it is especially valuable in our intimate relationships—like that between couples. With this being such an integral part of relationships, it’s no wonder why it’s often the first to be neglected when a relationship is in trouble. In fact, for many, it’s often one of the first indicators that there is trouble.

By the time many couples seek out counseling, the communication pathway has been interrupted with broken speedbumps, falling over stop signs, continuously flashing yellow lights and everything else wrong with the road! Communication then becomes about ME! ME! ME! I have to be right, and I have to tell you exactly what I perceive you have done to me. It is no longer a back and forth open exchange of hearing, processing, and responding appropriately to each other’s perspectives and feelings.

Now let me caution you that if you first thought is, “OH MY! This sounds just like…” stop and re-evaluate. It is almost impossible to have communication issues unless both parties are dropping the ball in some way. Poor communication is not a one partner issue. It’s triumphs and short comings require the same amount of people it takes to make a baby---TWO! This is where therapy can be helpful. Not with the baby making, but with improving the communication pathways to an open and free flowing two-way intersection!

Many therapists will tell you to communicate with “I feel” statements. But does anyone actually know what that means and how it looks in real life situations?

I like to model this when I prescribe it, because “I feel” can take a quick wrong turn, and easily mimic the blame game.

Having said that, I feel statements are actually kind of difficult to do, because, when done correctly, it involves a certain amount of introspection as to the role and responsibility I played in addition to expressing how I felt by someone’s actions. It is then the listener’s role to respond to the feeling and how, potentially, they could have made someone feel, even if it was a misunderstanding on the part of the speaker. In this way, the goal of both the speaker and the listener is to avoid placing blame and to take responsibility to repair the breakdown.

“I feel” statements are most effective between people who feel empathy for one another. Simply put, when I hear that I have hurt someone the ideal response is for me to feel some level of remorse for hurting the person, even if he/she was hurt by perception or misunderstanding. Ideally, hearing how I have hurt someone should cause me to not want to hurt them in that way again to the fullest extent of my ability. This is especially true in a relationship where I have pledged a life commitment to someone. I am expected to feel something when my partner is hurt, whatever the cause. If this is not the cause, then I have some deeper work to do.

Likewise, if someone tells me I have hurt them, and I blame them for feeling hurt, the bigger challenge may lie within me. Let me add the caveat that I am speaking generally, and that there are some circumstances where this may not fully apply (e.g. with someone who is known to manipulate others in some way). So, all things being equal, I should have some type of response to someone I love telling me I have hurt them.

So here is the formula I have found helpful to have a smoother “I feel” conversation.

1. Acknowledge how you feel/felt by a certain action (Avoid placing blame when possible but speak your truth in love)

2. Admit if you played a role or instigated the situation, if appropriate

Here is a response formula:

1. Acknowledge the feeling(s) being told to you

2. Take Ownership, express empathy, and apologize that the person felt that way, and, if appropriate, for doing whatever caused the person to feel that way

3. Speak to your intentions without making excuses (e.g. clarify your actions or intentions but try to avoid statements that sounds like “I only did this because you did…”)

4. Determine the next steps (e.g. “next time I will be sure too…”)

In an example for both:

Partner A:

Now that we are alone, I wanted to talk with you about what happened earlier. I felt hurt when my parenting was criticized in front of the children earlier today. I felt as though my authority as a parent was being undermined. I realize that I could have responded differently in the moment, and I apologize if I hurt you when I snapped back at you. I shouldn’t have done that at all, but certainly not in front of the kids.

Partner B:

I’m sorry that I hurt you when I criticized your parenting in front of the children. I do not want to undermine your role as a parent to them. I should have pulled you aside to discuss my concern. I was caught up in the moment, and I did not consider how it would make you feel. I’m sorry if I hurt you. Next time, I will ask you to step aside or address it with you later if it can wait. Thank you for apologizing for snapping at me. I was hurt by that, but I appreciate you acknowledging how I felt before I did, and also for apologizing for it.

As you can see this is A LOT of work and gets easier, and possibly shorter with practice. This is clearly more ideal in response and your conversations may not look like this at all at first, but don’t give up. I’ve found that as communication improves, you may find a need to use this technique only for difficult conversations because of how open and understanding your everyday conversations become. Truth be told, it definitely is an ego check, but in a healthy marriage ego is left at the altar. The rest of the relationship is just two people focused on building a healthy and joyous life together for themselves, and to model to their families.

As always, thanks for taking the time to read this and comment with your ideas or experiences if you have any!